I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
