She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
