Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
