I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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