So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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