I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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