ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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