OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
