Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
