i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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