A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
