Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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