I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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