I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
