Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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