By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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