so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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