I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize