Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
