I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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