sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
