I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
