If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
