I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
