we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
