there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
