Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
