please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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