Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
