Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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