I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
