I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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