Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
