I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
farters have to be the big spoon...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
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