the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
