fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
