in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
