Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
