I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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