Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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