meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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