Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
