I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
