Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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