He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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