When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
