hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize