She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
