actually, I'm a sock model
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize