woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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