did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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