The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
