i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
