Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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