My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
