Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
