True but thats because hes a fetus.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
